You'll Never Walk Alone

There is a quote from Tony Campolo, pastor and author, that I've had in my files for years. I've kept it because it jarred me when I first read it, and has challenged my thinking about life since. Here's what he said:

"I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night."

I've never been able to argue with his assertion; I've only been able to ask myself why I think he's right, and on that score, I've come up empty.

There's another quote I came across recently that's helped me begin to answer my question. It comes from Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon:

"Television, my dear Daniel, is the Antichrist, and I can assure you that after only three or four generations, people will no longer even know how to fart on their own and humans will return to living in caves, to medieval savagery, and to the general state of imbecility that slugs overcame back in the Pleistocene era. Our world will not die as a result of the bomb, as the papers say, it will die of laughter, of banality, of making a joke of everything, and a lousy joke at that."

Or, as Tom Robbins asked about the TV set in Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates:

“Does it not posses the power of a totem pole and the heart of a rat?”

Is television to blame for the fact so many of us have become so numb and disconnected from the violence and suffering that whirls around us like a doomsday machine? I think so; at least in part.

A case in point. I was up late reading and watching TV when the first reports of the February 13, 2009, plane crash at the Buffalo, NY airport started coming in. For a few minutes, I gave my full attention to the TV, but soon I was back to reading and glancing up every now and then to see if anything new was happening. I fell asleep before long, and slept peacefully through the night. In the morning, I turned the TV back on and found out that 50 people had died in the crash. At that point, I did what I think many of us did that morning: I acknowledged that some people I didn't know died in a plane crash in a city far away, and went about my business. After all, we see stuff like this on TV all the time.

Then ... I got a wake-up call. I had wandered back to the family room. The TV was still tuned to a cable news channel. I watched - mindlessly at first. I noticed that a young man was being interviewed. I figured the reporter would be asking the same banal questions reporters always ask in similar situations, and that the young man would answer in pretty much the same way others I've seen standing in his shoes did. The reporter didn't disappoint, to be sure, but the young man's answers stunned me. All of a sudden I was awake, and personally involved. In a nutshell, here's what happened. The young man told the reporter he had planned to stop by the airport on his way home from soccer practice to meet his sister's plane. He told him he had learned she was on the ill-fated flight, and no one had made it out alive. The reporter asked the first banal question: "What has been going through your mind the last few minutes?" The young man said he just talked to his Father - who was vacationing with his Mother in Florida - to relay the bad news, and said he was really worried about his Mother. The reporter then asked him another banal question: - "How are they taking it?" His answer was anything but banal:

"To tell you the truth, I heard my mother make a noise on the phone that I've never heard before."

All of a sudden I was there with him. I conjured up a vivid picture of his parents dealing with their grief in a small motel somewhere in Florida. I thought back to the time in my life when I had to pass the news to my future wife - we had been dating for about six months at the time - that her 14 year old brother had died in a freak accident. I remember trying to come up with the words to comfort her. I couldn't so I just held her. She cried herself to sleep. I thought about the struggle our family has been going through to help one of my sons deal with a serious substance abuse problem, and the nights I've stayed awake waiting for him to come home, and hoping the phone didn't ring first. This is hard stuff, and you pretty much end up dealing with it by yourself. Even those of us who thought twice about the 50 folks who died in the dark of night in Buffalo, were able to quickly put it our of our minds and go back to our daily routines. For those closest to the victims, however, life will never be the same.

In the future, I hope to remember that there are real people - with real families and friends that love them - behind the pictures we see and the sound bites we hear on TV. And, if I can do that, maybe I can also remember to stop to say a prayer asking God to walk with them in their time of great need.


Conversation:

• What is your reaction to the Tony Campolo Quote?
• Have you experienced the sudden loss of a close friend or family member?
  
• If so, how did you cope? Did you walk through your pain or deny it?
  
• If not, have you ever helped someone deal with a tragic loss? Explain.
  

Afterwords:

"You cannot put a cheap band-aid on a sacred wound; there is no way through pain but to walk through it." - Dr. Robin Smith

"We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less lonesome. And one of our ancient methods is to tell a story, begging the listener to say, and to feel, 'Yes, that’s the way it is, or at least that’s the way I feel it. You’re not as alone as you thought.' " - John Steinbeck

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." - Henri Nouwen

Video:

The interview discussed above.

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You'll Never Walk Alone, Celtic & Liverpool Fans

Lectio Divina

Lectio divina is the ancient Benedictine monastics' practice of slow, meditative reading of Scripture intended to promote communion with God and to increase knowledge of God's Word. It is a way of praying with Scripture that calls one to study, ponder, listen and, finally, pray and even sing and rejoice from God's Word, within the soul.

The four-step process of lectio divina is fully described in a paper - Introduction to Lectio Divina - written by Fr. Luke Dysinger, O.S.B. in the Spring of 1990. Here is a shortened version mostly in Fr. Dysinger's words:

LECTIO: Reading/Listening. The art of lectio divina begins with cultivating the ability to listen deeply as we read the Scriptures; to hear "with the ear of our hearts" the "faint murmuring sound" of God's voice touching our hearts.

This reading or listening is very different from the speed reading which we moderns apply to newspapers, books and even to the Bible. Lectio is reverential listening; listening both in a spirit of silence and of awe; listening for the still, small voice of God to speak to us personally - not loudly, but intimately; gently listening to hear a word or phrase that is God's word for us.

MEDITATIO: Meditation. Once we have found a word or a passage in the Scriptures that speaks to us in a personal way, we must take it in and "ruminate" on it. The image of the ruminant animal quietly chewing its cud was used in antiquity as a symbol of the Christian pondering the Word of God. Christians have always seen a scriptural invitation to lectio divina in the example of the Virgin Mary "pondering in her heart" what she saw and heard of Christ.

For us today these images are a reminder that we must take in the word - that is, memorize it - and while gently repeating it to ourselves, allow it to interact with our thoughts, our hopes, our memories, our desires. Through meditatio we allow God's word to become His word for us, a word that touches us and affects us at our deepest levels.

ORATIO: Prayer. Next is oratio - prayer understood both as dialogue with God, that is, as loving conversation with the One who has invited us into His embrace; and as consecration, prayer as the priestly offering to God of parts of ourselves that we have not previously believed God wants. In this consecration prayer we allow the word we have taken in and on which we are pondering to touch and change our deepest selves. Just as a priest consecrates the elements of bread and wine at the Eucharist, God invites us in lectio divina to hold up our most difficult and pain-filled experiences to Him, and to gently recite over them the healing word or phrase He has given us in our lectio and meditatio. In this oratio, we allow our real selves to be touched and changed by the word of God.

CONTEMPLATIO: Contemplation. Here, we simply rest in the presence of the One who has used His word as a means of inviting us to accept His transforming embrace. No one who has ever been in love needs to be reminded that there are moments in loving relationships when words are unnecessary. It is the same in our relationship with God. Wordless, quiet rest in the presence of the One Who loves us has a name in the Christian tradition - contemplatio. Once again we practice silence, letting go of our own words; this time simply enjoying the experience of being in the presence of God.The most authentic and traditional form of Christian lectio divina is a solitary or private practice. Today, however, "group lectio" has become popular and is widely practiced in many different forms. Here is one form of group process from Fr. Dysinger:

1. Listening for the Gentle Touch of Christ the Word: The Literal Sense

• One person reads aloud (twice) the passage of scripture, as others are attentive to some segment that is especially meaningful to them.
• Silence for 1-2 minutes. Each hears and silently repeats a word or phrase that attracts.
• Sharing aloud: A word or phrase that has attracted each person. A simple statement of one or a few words. No elaboration.

 2. How Christ the Word speaks to ME: The Allegorical Sense

• Second reading of same passage by another person.
• Silence for 2-3 minutes. Reflect on "Where does the content of this reading touch my life today?"
• Sharing aloud: Briefly: "I hear, I see __."

 3. What Christ the Word Invites me to DO: The Moral Sense

• Third reading by still another person.
• Silence for 2-3 minutes. Reflect on "I believe that God wants me to __ today/this week."
• Sharing aloud: at somewhat greater length the results of each one's reflection. Be especially aware of what is shared by the person to your right.
• After full sharing, pray for the person to your right.

I am sure you can readily see the value of studying the Scriptures in this way, but why not consider using the same process to gain deep, life-changing insights from sources other than sacred texts? "Why not?" you say. Okay. Here's a way to give it a shot in a group setting.

In preparation for the group sit-down, the convener should pick a story to be contemplated and discussed. A great place to start is my book See New Now, which contains 24 stories specifically written to be used in this way. And, if you go here and click on "Click to Look Inside," you'll find you can read three of the stories. Here is a synopsis of each:

The Scent on the Floor
When a frustrated Estée Lauder poured a bottle of perfume onto the carpet at the finest department store in Paris, she changed the future of her company. The "scent" you leave behind can build your business or tear it down.

The Baboon Reflex
Baboons rarely hunt successfully in packs, because longstanding fears and feuds lead them to fight with each other instead of chasing their prey. Fear is deeply embedded in humans, too – much more so than we might imagine. Recognizing our hair-trigger fear reflex makes for more effective organizations and individuals.

The Balance Pole
The great high-wire artist Karl Wallenda fell to his death because he wouldn’t let go of his balance pole. Companies and individuals sometimes need to let go of their most cherished practices and beliefs.

Conversation: Lectio Divina Style

1. Listening to the Story: Literal Sense

• One person reads the story aloud (twice) as the others listen for a word or phrase or that is especially meaningful to them.
• Silence for 1-2 minutes. Each hears and silently repeats a word or phrase that attracts.
• Sharing aloud: A word or phrase that has attracted each person. A simple statement of one or a few words. No elaboration.

2. How the story speaks to me: Allegorical sense

• The story is read by a different person
• Silence for 2-3 minutes. Reflect on "Where does the content of this story touch my life today?"
• Sharing aloud: briefly, "I hear, I see __"

3. What the story invites me to do: Moral Sense

• A third person reads the story.
• Silence for 2-3 minutes. Reflect on “I believe this story is telling me to __ today/this week.”
• Sharing aloud: at somewhat greater length the results of each one’s reflection. Be especially aware of what is shared by the person to your right.
• After full sharing, make an offer of support to the person sitting at your right.

Afterwords:

"You will not see anyone who is really striving after his advancement who is not given to spiritual reading. And as to him who neglects it, the fact will soon be observed by his progress." - Saint Athanasius

"At fixed hours time should be given to certain definite reading. For haphazard reading, constantly varied and as if lighted on by chance does not edify but makes the mind unstable; taken into the memory lightly, it goes out from it even more lightly. But you should concentrate on certain authors and let your mind grow used to them." - William of St. Thierry

"The Scriptures need to be read and understood in the same spirit in which they were written. You will never enter into Paul's meaning until by constant application to reading him and by giving yourself to meditation you have imbibed his spirit. You will never understand David until by experience you have made the very sentiments of the psalms your own. And that applies to all Scripture. There is the same gulf between attentive study and mere reading as there is between friendship and acquaintance with a passing guest, between boon companionship and chance meeting." - William of St. Thierry

Link:

Guigo II, The Ladder of the Four Rungs (Classic Text on Lectio Divina)

Knowers and Learners

Former longshoreman and writer Eric Hoffer said:

"In times of change, learners inherit the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists."

Hoffer made that statement many years ago, but it's never been more important to truly understand what he meant. To help me think about it, I like to draw a clear distinction between knowers and learners.

• Knowers see learning as a destination; learners see it as a journey
• Knowers seek certainty; learners seek plausibility
• Knowers see their truth as the only truth; learners are open to others' views
• Knowers base their self esteem on being right; learners base theirs on contribution
• Knowers can't be wrong, so if they make a mistake they find someone or something else to blame; learners can make mistakes, admit they don't have all the answers, and continue to be part of the solution
• Knowers find it difficult to adapt to change, and become weaker, less effective, and less influential over time; learners, who more readily adapt, become stronger, more effective, and more influential

A story that illustrates the difference between knowing and learning involves former NHL star Brett Hull and what happened to some advice he gave me to pass along to my two hockey-playing sons.

"First, make sure they get the basics down cold, because you can’t be a great hockey player if you can't skate, pass, and shoot. Second, have them develop a signature move, or something they become really well known for."

When I sat my boys down to pass on Brett’s advice, they both got the work on the basics part right away. They were a little slow on the uptake, however, when I told them they needed to develop a signature move. Once I explained, each had a different reaction.

My oldest – the knower – said he already had one - scoring goals - and sprinted off. He spent most of the rest of his hockey career trying to do that, and the older he got, the less successful he became. In his senior year of high school, his coach told him that his strength was playing defense. Once he got that through his head - it was either that or sit on the bench - he led his team to the Minnesota State High School Tournament. Despite his success, however, he still sees his hockey strength as scoring goals. He is a knower in all other aspects of life as well, and I often wonder if it's a trait he inherited - from his mother of course. I say that tongue-in-cheek, but I really can relate to the following classified ad:

"FOR SALE CHEAP! Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $100 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows everything."

My youngest, on the other hand, proved himself a learner; he looked at me and said:

“Dad. How can I get a one of those moves?”

I asked:

“What are you really good at?”

He said:

“I really like to hit people.”

So, we had a brainstorming session and he came up with the idea that he would be the Little Assassin, the fastest, meanest, little son-of-a-gun on the ice. This combined a couple of ideas. First, he was the smallest - and fastest - kid on his team. Second, we had just seen the movie The Day of the Jackal, which is about a real assassin. From that day on, he was exactly that. And though he became a really good hockey player, and developed many other skills, he was always known best for his toughness. Is he still a learner? No, he's a teenager.

Conversation:

• Are you a knower or a learner? How so?
  
• What kind of questions do you ask yourself? Are they serving you well?
  
• Do you spend more time searching for answers to questions you know to ask, or searching for new questions?
  
• What was the last truly new question you asked? How did you come to ask it?
  
• What are the most basic assumptions you hold about how the world works? How long have you held them? Have you ever really challenged them? If you did, which to you think would hold up? Which may not? Why?

Afterwords:

"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge." - Stephen Hawking

"The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind." - William Blake

"It's the best possible time to be alive, when almost everything you thought you knew is wrong." - Tom Stoppard, Arcadia

"The very liveliness of a culture is determined not by how frequently explorers discover new continents of knowledge, but by how frequently they depart to seek them." - James P. Carse

"The adventure is always and everywhere a passage beyond the veil of the known into the unknown; the powers that watch at the boundary are dangerous; to deal with them is risky; yet for anyone with competence and courage the danger fades." - Joseph Campbell

Friends in Low Places

Country singer-songwriter, Garth Brooks, has sold more records than anyone in the history of the music industry, save The Beatles. His signature song is the blue-collar rouser Friends in Low Places.

Friends in low places is a theme that shows up often in the movie Charlie Wilson's War, which is based on the book of the same name by George Crile. A synopsis of the movie from Reuters follows:

Charlie Wilson (Tom Hanks) was a bachelor congressman from Texas whose "Good Time Charlie" exterior masked an extraordinary mind, a deep sense of patriotism and a passion for the underdog. In the early 1980s the underdog was Afghanistan - which had just been brutally invaded by the Russians.

Charlie's longtime friend, patron and sometime lover was Joanne Herring (Julia Roberts) - one of the richest women in Texas and a virulent anti-communist. Believing the American response to the Russian invasion was anemic at best, she prodded Charlie into doing more for the Mujahideen (Afghan freedom fighters).

Charlie's partner in this uphill endeavor was CIA Agent Gust Avrakotos (Philip Seymour Hoffman) - a blue-collar operative in a company of Ivy League blue bloods. Together they traveled the world to form unlikely alliances among the Pakistanis, Israelis, Egyptians, arms dealers, law makers and a belly dancer.

Their success was remarkable. Funding for covert ops against the Soviets went from $5 million to $1 billion annually. The Red Army retreated out of Afghanistan. When asked how a group of peasants was able to deliver such a decisive blow to the army of a superpower, Pakistani President Mohammad Zia ul-Haq responded simply: "Charlie did it."

Charlie was able to do it because of the help he and Gust got from friends in low places and in other places as well. Crile explains:

"The way things normally work, if you’re not Jewish you don’t get into the Jewish caucus, but Charlie did. And if you’re not black you don’t get into the black caucus. But Charlie plays poker with the black caucus; they had a game, and he’s the only white guy in it. The House, like any human institution, is moved by friendships, and no matter what people might think about Wilson’s antics, they tend to like him and enjoy his company."

"Avrakotos was hardly the first CIA case officer to recognize the value of lower-level members of an intelligence organization. Abroad, every CIA spy recognizes that perhaps the most promising targets for recruitment in an enemy intelligence service are low-level figures: the code clerks, the secretaries, the couriers. But it was rare indeed to fine a case officer who made an effort to befriend such lowly figures within their own organization. In vivid contrast, Avrakotos had always found himself more at home with these fellow untouchables than with the well-born, high-ranking officers of the clandestine services, and from the time he first joined the CIA he had befriended them. He made it a point to intervene when he could on their behalf. He became their champion whenever one of them would be unfairly treated. And he always shared the truth about the way he felt about the blue-bloods."

Conversation:

• How would you characterize your relationships with the little people in your personal as well as your professional life? Would they echo your comments? Are you sure?
• How has a friend in a low place helped you?
• How has an enemy in a low place done you in?
• As you build and nurture your networks, where do the little people stand? Top of mind? Afterthought? Out of the picture?
  
• If you say they are important to you, are you treating them accordingly?
• If you say they are not important, is it possible you should rethink your position?
  

Afterwords:

"Answer e-mails from junior people before more senior ones. Junior people have further to go and tend to remember who slighted them." - Nassim Nicholas Taleb, from The Sunday Times - June 1, 2008

"If you're in trouble, or hurt or need -- go to the poor people. They're the only ones that'll help - the only ones." - John Steinbeck

"America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but it's people are mainly poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves. It is in fact a crime for an American to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor, but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by American poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters." - Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

God Bless the U.S.A.

On July 4, 1776, Congress approved the wording of the Declaration of Independence and started the United States of America on its steady march to becoming the greatest nation on Earth. This year we celebrate Independence Day for the 233rd time.

I see this holiday as a beacon that burns brightly once each year to remind us to open our hearts and give thanks to our Founding Fathers for building, christening, and launching this ship we call America, and to all those who have sacrificed so much to keep her safe and riding high for the nearly two and a half centuries since. And, the best way to thank them, I think, is to keep the spirit of America alive and well by studying her history - especially at the time of her founding - and relaying the stories and lessons learned to future generations.

Here is a story worth telling and remembering. It is a story about authentic leadership. In sharing it with you, I will paraphrase and quote from the second volume of George Washington in the American Revolution (1775-1873) by James Thomas Flexner.

On March 15, 1783, a large group of Continental Army officers, who had all served under George Washington met in Newburgh, New York, on the Hudson River. They were bitter because they had not been paid properly by Congress for years and because no provision had been made for their retirement. They were debating whether or not to overthrow Congress and establish a military dictatorship that would force Congress and the states to give them what they thought they had earned. Those in favor of the coup wanted Washington to lead them; some even tried to convince him to become the new American king.

Washington, though not scheduled to attend the meeting, showed up in the middle of their deliberations. As he spoke, he told them that while their cause was righteous and just, only bloodshed would result from an assertion of military power over civilian authority. He went on to tell them that he would help them in every way his ability and prestige would permit within the normal political context of Congress' authority over the military, but that he would not lead a military takeover of America. The officers listened politely and respectfully, but clearly were not willing to give in to his plea.

At that point, Washington pulled out a piece of paper - a note from a member of Congress telling the officers he was sympathetic with their plight and that he would do whatever he could to help them. He fumbled with the note and finally took out a pair of eyeglasses so he could read it. Most of the officers sitting in the room were shocked; very few knew he used them. Washington said:

"Gentlemen, you will permit me to put on my spectacles, for I have not only grown gray, but almost blind in the service of my country."

He then read the short statement from the member of Congress, and without any anti-climactic epilogue, he walked out of the meeting, mounted his horse, and rode back to his headquarters. Quoting Flexner:

"This simple statement achieved what all Washington's rhetoric and all his argument had been unable to achieve. The officers were instantly in tears, and ... their eyes looked with love at the commander who had led them all so far and so long."

The push for military takeover vanished and the officers drafted a new address to Congress expressing a willingness to trust the process that General Washington had outlined.

So, when all was said and done, it was not reason or logic that turned the tide and prevented a military coup, is was the love and affection a group of soldiers had for their leader.

At the end of the story, Flexner says:

"Americans can never be adequately grateful that George Washington possessed the power and the will to intervene effectively in what may well have been the most dangerous hour the United States has ever known."

Conversation:

• What are your early memories of celebrating Independence Day? What did this holiday mean to your community? Your school? Your friends? Your family? You?
• Is Independence Day either more or less important to you now as it was then? If so, what's changed and why?
• How does being an American have personal meaning for you?
  

Afterwords:

"And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me." - Lee Greenwood

"You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done." - Ronald Reagan

"When an American says that he loves his country, he means not only that he loves the New England hills, the prairies glistening in the sun, the wide and rising plains, the great mountains, and the sea. He means that he loves an inner air, an inner light in which freedom lives and in which a man can draw the breath of self-respect." - Adlai Stevenson

"Our hearts where they rocked our cradle,
Our love where we spent our toil,
And our faith, and our hope, and our honor,
We pledge to our native soil.
God gave all men all earth to love,
But since our hearts are small,
Ordained for each one spot should prove
Beloved over all."
- Rudyard Kipling

Video:

Lee Greenwood, God Bless the U.S.A.

Helter Skelter

Vincent Bugliosi spent much of his career working as a prosecuting attorney in the L.A. County District Attorney's office. He is best known for the prosecution of Charles Manson and several members of his "family" for the 1969 Tate-LaBianca murders. His book Helter Skelter* is based on the Manson case. To watch Bugliosi talk about this case click here.

I had the pleasure of attending one of Vince's lectures a few years ago at the University of Texas at Austin. He spoke there about his book, Outrage: The Five Reasons Why O.J. Simpson Got Away With Murder, which is a highly critical assessment of the work of the district attorney and prosecutors - among others - in the acquittal of O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. And, of the many things I remember from that evening, there is one comment he made that stands out. He said the first thing he does when prosecuting a case is to do the best job he possibly can of building the defense's case. Then - and only then - does he start to prepare his case. He went on to say that if he'd have been prosecuting the Simpson case, he'd have put in up to 500 hours just preparing to give his closing argument. Of course, a good deal of that time would have been spent preparing to give the defense's closing argument. The prosecutors in the Simpson case, he said, prepared their closing argument the night before they presented it.

Now, even if prosecuting a capital murder case is not in your future plans, you can still use Bugliosi's idea to great benefit. Give it a twist in one direction, and it's a fail-safe device. Joseph L. Badaracco, Jr. explains in a story from his book Questions of Character:

"When former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin heard someone suggest a course of action, he often asked what the strongest alternative was and the strongest reasons to pursue that alternative. Rubin knew the danger of rushing to judgment on complicated issues, and he wanted to see how carefully recommendations had been thought through."

Twist it in a slightly different way, and it's a sales training program. My former boss Larry Wilson said it first:

"Never talk about your product or service until you have demonstrated that you fully understand your prospect's needs."

Twist it again, and it's the secret to becoming a world-class communicator. Stephen R. Covey:

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

There are a few more rabbits I can pull out of this hat, but it's probably as good a time as any to let you have a go at it.

Conversation:

• What are some ways you might apply Bugliosi's idea - or some variation thereof - in your work or life?
  

Afterwords:

"He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side; if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion." - John Stuart Mill

"As a child I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life." - Albert Einstein

"When we sleep on someone else's pillow, we sometimes find ourselves having that person's dreams." - Tom Robbins

*The title of Bugliosi's book - Helter Skelter - came from the title of a song in a double album - The Beatles - which was recorded and released in 1968. It is more commonly known as The White Album, because it has no text besides the band's name on its all white jacket. The White Album is, perhaps, best known for attracting the attention of 60's counterculturists looking for hidden meanings in the music of The Beatles. One of those searching for subliminal messages was Charles Manson, who Bugliosi said used words contained in many of the album's songs - and generous helpings of hallucinogens - to persuade members of his "family" that the album was in fact an apocalyptic message predicting a prolonged race war and justifying the murder of wealthy people. Manson named the war he saw coming Helter Skelter.

Inside the Actors Studio

James Lipton has been the host of Bravo's original series Inside the Actors Studio since its inception in 1994. Lipton has interviewed over 200 guests, including 74 Academy Award winners. The first guest was Paul Newman; the 200th was Dave Chappelle, who turned the tables by interviewing Lipton. The show is seen in 79 million American homes and is broadcast to 125 countries around the world.

The show rolls out in three parts. First, is a one-on-one interview conducted by Lipton. Second, the host submits a questionnaire to the guest. And third, if time permits, the guest fields questions from the audience. All in all, the show provides a wonderful opportunity to get to know the guest as a human being as well as an actor.

The thing that has intrigued me the most in the time I've spent watching the show has been the questionnaire phase. This is because the questionnaire asks the same 10 questions of each guest, and as a result of holding the questions constant you get to see the differences in the guests. The questions Lipton asks are as follows:

1. What is your favorite word?
   
2. What is your least favorite word?
   
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?
   
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?
   
5. What sound or noise do you love?
   
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
   
7. What is your favorite curse word?
   
8. What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?
   
9. What profession would you not like to do?
   
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Conversation:

• Ask yourself these questions and record your answers. Do the same a year later to find out how you've changed.
  
• Use the questionnaire in one-one-one conversations. You and another person will get to know each other a little better.
  
• Use it to help team members get to know each other better.
  

Afterwords:

When Harrison Ford was asked what he would like to hear God say when he arrived at the Pearly Gates, he said:

"You're much better looking in person."

Video:

On April 29, 2008, James Lipton was presented with the Lifetime Achievement Award by the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. Here is a video of the tribute paid to him at the 2008 Emmy Awards.


Here's Robin Williams working through The Questionnaire.

The "Daymaker"

David Wagner is a world-renowned hair stylist, artist, entrepreneur, educator, and "Daymaker." He is the Owner/Daymaker of Juut Salonspas, the original Aveda salons. He defines a daymaker as:

"A person who performs acts of kindness with the intention of making the world a better place."

David has written a book titled Life as a DAYMAKER: How to Change the World Simply by Making Someone's Day. He opens it with a story that set him on his path.

It only takes a moment to make someone's day - to become a daymaker - and sometimes those moments even change lives as I discovered a number of years ago. I was working in my salon one day when a client came in to have her hair styled. I was surprised to see her, since it was right in the middle of her five-week period between hair cuts. I figured that she must have an important social engagement , so I asked her about her evening plans. “I don't have anything special going on,” she told me. “I just want to look and feel good tonight.”

I gave her a great scalp massage, then shampooed and styled her hair. During our 30 minutes together, we joked and laughed. At the end, she smiled radiantly, hugging me goodbye.

A few days later when I received a letter from this client, I began to realize the enormous potential of Daymaking. My client admitted that she had wanted her hair styled so it would look good for her own funeral. She had planned to commit suicide that evening. But the wonderful time she had during our appointment had given her hope that things could get better. She decided to check herself into the hospital and get professional help. She thanked me for caring, even though I hadn't known what she was going through. She wrote “thank you for being there, without knowing that you were.”

I was stunned. I had spent time with this woman about once a month for three years, yet that day I had no inkling she was so distressed. I was glad to have made such a difference, yet the experience left me with an enormous sense of responsibility. What if I had been upset, distracted, or hurried when she came to see me?

That experience made me take stock of myself as a stylist and as a person. How many of the ten clients I saw every day might be in personal crisis that I would never know about? Even if it were only one person a day, I might have no way of knowing who needed some extra attention. I resolved to treat every person I met like that woman. It might sound like a lot of work, but it wasn't hard to have fun with my client that day. It was natural and made my day brighter, too. I vowed to give care and attention to everyone I saw. I figured it would make their day a little better, and who knows, it might save a life.

I still thank my client for the gift of that letter because it changed my life as much as my kindness changed hers. When you realize the difference you can make for others, whether by spending a light-hearted half-hour together, giving them a smile, or simply holding the door open for them, your whole approach to life shifts. Why have random acts of kindness when we can have intentional acts of good will?

I choked up when I first heard that story. Then my thoughts drifted to these words from The Talmud which I believe are absolutely true:

"To save one life is as if you have saved the world."

Finally, I landed on the last sentence of David's story:

"Why have random acts of kindness when we can have intentional acts of good will?"

Intentional. On purpose. Why not give it a try? Pick a day - any day. And for that day, swear an oath to do all you can to make the day of each and every person who crosses your path. Now you'll probably never know the effect you had on the folks you met that day. That's okay. The real question is how did you feel about yourself at day's end? My guess? Good enough to do it again the next day . . . and the next. Keep it up, and it won't be long until daymaking becomes your default option for dealing with people.

There are, of course, folks that seem to be daymakers by nature. One of these was Murray Barr, a homeless man from Reno, Nevada. Malcolm Gladwell wrote an article for The New Yorker on Murray titled "Million-Dollar Murray." It's a great read. Here's the link.

Conversation:

• What struck you most about David Wagner's story? Murray Barr's?
  
• Is there a way either or both relate to your life or work either now or back when?
• Would you like to be a daymaker? If so, how will you make it happen? Further, what are some things you might do to undermine your best intentions?
  

Afterwords:

"When you can do a common thing in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." - George Washington Carver

"When a man begins to have a vision larger than his own truth...he begins to become conscious of his moral nature." - Rabindranath Tagore

"I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning." - J. B. Priestly

"Spirituality means waking up. Most people, even though they don't know it, are asleep. They're born asleep, they live asleep, they marry in their sleep, they breed children in their sleep, they die in their sleep without ever waking up. They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence." - Anthony de Mello, Jesuit Priest

"We need one another when we would be comforted. We need one another when we are in trouble and afraid. We need one another when we are in despair, in temptation, and need to be recalled to our best selves again. We need one another when we would accomplish some great purpose, and cannot do it alone. We need one another in the hour of success, when we look for someone to share our triumphs. We need one another in the hour of defeat, when with encouragement we might endure, and stand again. We need one another when we come to die, and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey. All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us." - George Odell, Unitarian Minister

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dennis Prager on the Goodness of Goodness

Dennis Prager is a radio talk show host, who has been nationally syndicated since 1999. He is also a frequent guest on TV news shows such as Larry King Live, The Early Show on CBS, The Today Show, The O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, and Hannity & Colmes. He has written four books, including the best-selling Happiness Is A Serious Problem.

Dennis has been with us at The Masters Forum on four occasions. During his first appearance, while delivering a presentation titled Ultimate Issues, he asked an interesting question:

"If you could choose just one of the four, would you want your children to grow up to be happy, smart, successful, or good?"

He asked us to make a choice and discuss it with a person sitting nearby. Incidentally, there is a correct answer to the question as far as Dennis is concerned: good. This jibes with his philosophy that the most basic and meaningful way to sort people or behavior is to use two boxes: one marked Good; the other marked Evil.

Then came a second question:

"If I asked your children which of the four they think you want most for them, what would their answer be?"

In other words, he wanted us to consider the possibility that we might be saying one thing is important with our words, while unwittingly reinforcing another with our deeds.

Steve Kerr, former Chief Learning Officer of both GE and Goldman Sachs, says we are prone to making this same mistake in our roles as managers and leaders. His classic article - On the Folly of Rewarding A, While Hoping for B - sheds light on the subject.

Conversation:

• How do you typically let others know what you expect of them?
  
• How do you check to see that they are absolutely clear about what you want?
  
• How do you ensure that what you are asking for and what gets rewarded are one and the same?
  
• If you could choose just one of the four, would you want those who work with you - or for you - to be happy/engaged in their work, smart/committed to learning, successful/getting the job done, or good/doing what's right?
  
• If you asked them, what would they say you want most?
  

Afterwords:

“Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy, she'll beat you if she's able. You know, the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.” The Eagles, Desperado

"I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught—in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too—in a net of good and evil. I think this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and manners. There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill?" - John Steinbeck, East of Eden

How Did You Do That?

Aubrey Daniels, founder and chairman of Aubrey Daniels International, is an expert on behavior in the workplace. In a recent interview he talked about the cynicism that develops when managers try to use one complex technique after another to reinforce and shape worker behavior:

"You know, a lot of the Dilbert strips go over my head, but I use my all-time favorite in one of my seminars. The boss is giving a performance appraisal. He says, 'I'll raise your appraisal from four to five if you eat a bug.' The employee says, 'What?' The boss says, 'Eat a bug. How much clearer can I be?' Then the boss says, 'I didn't have much luck with the other management techniques, so I'm kind of winging it now.'"

Daniels believes the answer is to use measurement to find out the few simple things that really work to shape behavior, and then employ them in an open, honest way. One of the things he's found that works is a very simple idea that can lead to very big results. Kathryn Cramer of The Cramer Institute remembers Daniels describing it in a presentation she attended:

"Our research shows the most reinforcing question you can ask somebody is, 'How did you do that?' It's reinforcing because it helps the person who just did something right pause and reflect. If you ask yourself or someone else that question, almost always people will pause and say, 'Well, I don't know exactly. I just did it.' It prompts you to think it through, step by step. This is a great way to help the integration process, where we really have a deeper knowing of what we did. We get confidence as a bonus."

Conversation:

• What management fads or techniques have driven you nuts?
  
• Some experts believe annual performance reviews should be abolished because they do more harm than good. Do you agree or disagree?
  
• How do you feel when you sense someone is using a technique to interact with you?
  
• What is the best way people can compliment you on your work?
• How do you handle compliments?
• How do you compliment others?

Afterwords:

"The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way." - Mark Twain

"Too often I would hear men boast of the miles covered that day, rarely of what they had seen." - Louis L'Amour

"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that brings good news, who proclaims peace and brings glad tidings of good things." - Isaiah 52:8

"Don’t ever cuss that fiddle, boy, unless you want that fiddle out of tune." - Willie Nelson