The Answer to How Is Yes

Peter Block, author and consultant, is well known for challenging conventional theories of individual and organizational development.

In his book The Answer to How Is Yes, Peter makes the case that we too often short-circuit ourselves by asking "How?" questions prematurely, instead of first pondering the deeper, more important question, "Why?" Many of us have been trained and rewarded all our lives for asking the penetrating questions about how such-and-such a thing might be accomplished. Asking how can make us feel smarter, Block says, but it won’t make us wiser. It just submerges our most important personal and organizational missions in a quagmire of misdirected analysis.

He proposes a moratorium:

"If we could agree that for six months we would not ask 'How?' something in our lives, our institutions, and our culture might shift for the better. It would force us to engage in conversations about why we do what we do, as individuals and as institutions. It would create the space for longer discussions about purpose, about what is worth doing. It would refocus our attention on deciding what is the right question, rather than what is the right answer."

He took on a challenging task in his book, advising us to pursue what matters most not only in our own lives, but also in our organizations and through our societal institutions. And, while he acknowledged that risk, uncertainty, and anxiety will accompany any decision to lift our heads up from the mundane and peer toward the ultimate, he said it’s an action worth taking nonetheless. By doing this successfully, he says:

"We can reclaim our idealism in a materialistic environment, reestablish an intimacy with what surrounds us, and find depth in a world that is happy with a quick makeover."

Peter's advice is more relevant today than ever. And, though it's hard to take up his challenge, it is most certainly worth the effort. For otherwise we’re left with a painful conundrum of the sort described by the novelist Thomas Pynchon:

"If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers."

Conversation:

• Can you tell a story about a "how" person you have worked for or with, or been married to? Can you do the same for a "why" person?
• In your opinion, what are the strengths and weaknesses of a person whose default approach to life is asking "how" quickly and often? How about the person whose nature is asking "why" first?
• Would others describe you as a "how" person or a "why" person? Is there a story you can tell to illustrate?
• How do you respond to Peter's notion of not asking "how" for six months? Can you imagine what might change in your life or work if you did?

Afterwords:

"Dear ones: Beware of the tiny gods frightened men create to bring an anesthetic relief to their sad days." - Hafiz

"'Goodbye,' said the fox. 'And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.'" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

"The theme of the Grail is the bringing of life into what is known as 'the wasteland.' The wasteland is the preliminary theme to which the Grail is the answer. . . It's the world of people living inauthentic lives - doing what they are supposed to do." - Joseph Campbell
"The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. He may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to fore go the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not." - Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

"One final paragraph of advice: Do not burn yourself out. Be as I am – a reluctant enthusiast... a part time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizzly, climb the mountains. Run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely, mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk bound people with their hearts in a safe deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards." - Edward Abbey

The One Who Stands Within

In December of 2004, John O'Donohue talked to our Masters Forum audience about leadership. And, while acknowledging that leaders need to possess certain skills, he focused on the seven personal qualities he thought underpinned all truly successful leaders.

"The first quality that I would like is that a leader would have an inner life - the person wouldn’t be just an outside, external functionary.

"Secondly, they would have a quality of vulnerability. I don’t mean vulnerability in the sense that they are assailable from every corner, but when you’d look in their eyes, you would know that they knew what it was like to be vulnerable.

"Third, I like a leader to have a bit of solitude, a very rare thing in our times. It’s hard to find it, and a lot of people are terrified of it, and they’ll run from it, but a person that can’t endure their own demons or know them, or have a secret place where they can meet them, can’t be trusted fully in the interaction of combat, where power is the question.

"A fourth thing I like in a leader is imagination and vision. Vision is vital. A vision is something that links together the gift of your own individuality with the need that is where you are, it links gift and hunger together in a way that links the best in you toward the best in them. Vision can only be developed if you are awake to the blessings and the potential of your own mind.

"Fifth, a leader has to have character. A person who has character is someone who is not a prisoner of their own ego and limitations.

"Sixth, a leader is someone who has the gift of compassion as well as the ministry of encouragement. It’s amazing when you think of some of the gifts and abilities that you have, if you hadn’t got that old praise or recognition or encouragement, you might never have crossed over into your own gift.

"The seventh thing I think a leader should have is the quality of listening. Heidegger said that true listening is worship, and it’s amazing, actually. It’s amazing to be listened to. When you’re truly listened to, a burden and all kinds of old false layering falls away from you completely."

He went on to say that we can't fully develop these inner qualities until we shed the notion that we are the sum total of where we've been and what we've accomplished, and somehow get in touch with who we really are, or the one who stands within.

"Identity is being reduced to biography, whereas in actual fact identity is a far more sublime, substantial, and sophisticated concept. . . . Meister Eckhart says, 'There is a place in your soul that neither time nor space nor no creator’s thing has ever touched.' There’s a place inside you where no one has ever got to you, where no one has ever damaged you, where you have a niche of tranquility and natural serenity, and a courage and a hope that can never be taken from you. And I think that the intention of prayer, creativity, and true leadership is to somehow bring you into that place within you."

Conversation:

• Who is the one who stands within you? How is that person like the one you present to the world? Different?
• How have you been vulnerable? How has it shaped you?
• Is solitude something you avoid or cherish? Explain.
• How are you impacting those around you with the ministry of encouragement? Or not?
• How is true listening worship?

Afterwords:

"Nothing resembles the language of God so much as does silence." - Meister Eckhart

"You must have a room or a certain hour of the day or something where you do not know what is in the morning paper. A place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. At first you may think nothing's happening. But if you have a sacred space and take advantage of it and use it everyday, something will happen." - Joseph Campbell

"There is a deep power in which we exist whose beatitude is accessible to us. Every moment the individual feels invaded by it is memorable. It comes to the simple and lowly, it comes in the form of serenity...when it breaks through the intellect it is genius; when it breathes through the will it is virtue, when it flows through the affections it is love." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let's Talk About Me

Brazilian author Paulo Coelho has sold more that 100 million books. His most popular book, The Alchemist, has been translated into 65 languages. He posted the following story at his blog:

I was just leaving St Patrick’s Church in New York when a young Brazilian came over to me.

"It’s great to see you," he said, smiling. "There’s something I wanted to tell you."

I was equally pleased at this encounter with a stranger. I invited him for a coffee, told him about my awful trip to Denver, and suggested that he go to Harlem on Sunday to attend a religious service there. The young man, who was in his twenties, listened to me without saying a word. I talked on. I said that I had just read a novel about a terrorist group that launches an attack on St Patrick’s Church, and that the author had described the scene in such detail that I had noticed many things I had never seen on previous visits. That was why I had decided to go to the church that morning. We spent nearly an hour together, drank two coffees, and I dominated the entire conversation. Afterward, we said goodbye, and I wished him a good trip.

"Thanks," he said, moving off.

That was when I noticed the sad look in his eyes; something was wrong and I didn’t know what. Only after walking a few blocks did I realize what it was: the young man had come over to me saying that there was something he needed to talk to me about. During the whole time we spent together, I had been in control of the situation. At no point had I asked him what he wanted to tell me; in my desire to be friendly, I had filled up all the spaces, I hadn’t allowed one moment of silence when the young man could have transformed a monologue into a dialogue. He may have had something really important to share with me. Perhaps if I had been truly open to life at that moment, I too would have had something to give to him. Perhaps both my life and his would have changed radically after that encounter. I will never know and I am not going to torture myself with the fact that I failed to take advantage of a potentially magical moment: mistakes happen. But ever since then, I have tried to keep alive in my memory that farewell scene and the sad look in the boy’s eyes. I was incapable of receiving what was destined for me and so was equally incapable of giving what I wanted to give, however hard I tried.

Conversation:

• Who convenes the meetings or conversations in your life?
• Who decides what you will talk about?
• Who decides what you will not talk about?
• Who decides what the conversational rules are?
• Who decides when the conversation or meeting is over?

Afterwords:

"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked." - Mark Twain

"I try to follow the advice that a university president once gave to a prospective commencement speaker. 'Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake,' he said. 'They need you in order to have the party, but nobody expects you to say much.'" - Anthony Lake, former National Security Advisor

Call Me Trim Tab

R. Buckminster Fuller - inventor, futurist, and humanitarian - is buried in Mount Auburn Cemetery near Boston. His tombstone reads simply:

CALL ME TRIMTAB - BUCKY

A trim tab is a small device on a ship’s main rudder that must be turned before turning the large rudder to change course. Fuller saw trim tabs as a symbol for the small but strategic acts that change the course of world events, and he devoted his life trying to determine what a single individual like him - or a small group of like-minded people - could do to better the human condition that large organizations, governments, or private enterprises could not.

There are many individuals who've changed the course of history. A case in point is Rosa Parks, whom the U.S. Congress named "Mother of the Modern-Day Civil Rights Movement." On December 1, 1955, she was seated on a Montgomery, Alabama bus. When the driver ordered her to give up her seat so a white passenger could take it, she refused. Her action ignited the Montgomery Bus Boycott, which was among the first dominoes to fall on the path that led to the passing of the Civil Rights Act in 1964.

Most of us are not in a position to change the world, but we are all capable of improving things in our world. Sadly, many of us forget to do the small things that can make a big difference in the lives of those closest to us. Mother Teresa laments:

"It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start."

Several years ago Rabbi Joseph Telushkin closed his Masters Forum presentation by sharing five short phrases - trim tabs - we can use to heal broken relationships with those close to us, or deepen ones currently in fine repair. It's a great place to start if you want to go there.

• Thank you. Gratitude is more than a virtue in Telushkin's view: it is the cornerstone virtue, the one on which all goodness is based. Say thank you often and sincerely.
• I love you. Don't be like the man at his wife's funeral, who was overcome by the love he felt for her but never expressed to her. It's not enough to keep love in your heart - it must be continually handed over to the one you love, in words and in deeds.
• How are you? This question shows that you care, that you are concerned. Say something to communicate that it matters to you whether the other person lives or dies.
• What do you need? Ascertaining what a person needs allows you to give him or her what is most meaningful - and thus, the highest expression of your love. But if you don't ask, you won't know.
• I'm sorry. Once a man came to Telushkin and confessed an inability to come out and say he was sorry for things he had done. Telushkin said, "Can you then say I'm sorry I am unable to say I'm sorry?"

Conversation:

• What contributions do you dream of making to others?
• Dag Hammarskjold, former United Nations Secretary General once said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses." Does his statement ring true with you? How does it intersect with your life today?
• Of those closest to you, is there one in particular who needs more of your time, attention, and support than you are currently giving? Do you see how applying one or more of Rabbi Telushkin's trim tabs can help repair your relationship with that person? Will you do it?
• Has anyone every done a small thing for you that ultimately had a profound impact on your life? What did this person do? What impact did it have?
• What makes someone unforgettable?
  

Afterwords:

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." - Mother Teresa

"To live in love is to accept the other and the conditions of his existence as a source of richness and not as an opposition, restriction or limitation." - Maturana

"Beware how you take away hope from another human being." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Falling leaves that lie scattered on the ground,
The birds and flowers that were here cannot be found.
All the friends that he once knew are not around.
They're all scattered like the leaves upon the ground.
Some folks drift along through life and never thrill,
To the feeling that a good deed brings until,
It's too late and they are ready to lie down,
There beneath the leaves that's scattered on the ground.
Lord, let my eyes see every need of every man,
Make me stop and always lend a helping hand,
Then when I'm laid beneath that little grassy mound,
There'll be more friends around than leaves upon the ground.
To your grave there's no use taking any gold,
You cannot use it when it's time for hands to fold,
When you leave this earth for a better home someday,
The only thing you'll take is what you gave away."
- Grandpa Jones, Falling Leaves

The Warp and Woof of Meaning

In more stable times, we educed meaning in our lives from well-established communities and traditional cultural norms. Today, we can't count on those things. We have to create meaning for ourselves. John W. Gardner, HEW Secretary in the Johnson administration, and founder of Common Cause, explained in a speech at McKinsey & Company, November 10, 1990:

"Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is of less account."

The process of building meaning into our lives is dynamic. We live. We Learn. We make new meaning. We do it all again. To do this purposefully, Gardner suggests we consider the following questions on a regular basis. This is best done in conversation with others who understand the importance of doing so. One possibility is your life partner. Another is your family. Still another is your colleagues at work. In fact, you and your co-workers can use the questions to talk about the meaning you are deriving from your work.

Conversation:

• What things are forgotten in the heat of battle?
• What values get pushed aside in the rough-and-tumble of everyday living?
• What are the goals we ought to be thinking about and never do?
• What are the facts we don’t like to face?
• What are the questions we lack the courage to ask?

Afterwords:

"The sailor cannot see the North, but knows the needle can." - Emily Dickinson

"Life is tumultuous - an endless losing and regaining of balance, a continuous struggle, never an assured victory. We need to develop a resilient, indomitable morale that enables us to face those realities and still strive with every ounce of energy to prevail. You may wonder if such a struggle - endless and of uncertain outcome - isn't more than humans can bear. But all of history suggests that the human spirit is well fitted to cope with just that kind of world." - John W. Gardner

"First we must understand that there can be no life without risk - and when our center is strong, everything else is secondary, even the risks. Thus, we best prepare by building our inner strength by sound philosophy, by reaching out to others, by asking ourselves what matters most." - Elie Wiesel

"Work is about a search too, for daily meaning as well as daily bread, for recognition as well as cash, for astonishment rather than stupor; in short for a sort of life rather than a Monday through Friday sort of dying. Perhaps immortality, too, is part of the quest." - Studs Terkel

We're Here to Fart Around

Author Kurt Vonnegut was a contrarian of the first order and a no-holds-barred commentator on the follies and foibles of humankind. And, while he could be sarcastic and dark, Vonnegut often used humor to communicate his views on the basic questions life. This is shown by a story he told David Brancaccio of PBS during an interview for NOW. The date was October 7, 2005.

"I told my wife I'm going out to buy an envelope. 'Oh,' she says. 'Well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet?' And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, I ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, I don't know. The moral of the story is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore."

This a fast-paced, dog-eat-dog, 24/7 world. There is little or no time to fart around. But, should we make the time? There at least two reasons for doing so. First, to reduce stress. Second, to clear our minds so that new thoughts and ideas can make their way in.

Conversation:

• What is Vonnegut's story about for you?
• How does it intersect with your life at this time?
• When is the last time you farted around? What did you do? How was it worthwhile, or a waste of time?
• If you think that farting around once in awhile is a good idea, how will you make the time do it?
• If you think you do too much of it already, how will you stop?

Afterwords:

"Remember the scene in Cat Ballou where a very drunk Lee Marvin goes from unconscious to ranting to triumphant to roaring to weeping defeat and then finally passes out? One of the men watching him says, with real awe, 'I never seen a man get through a day so fast.' Don't let this be you." - Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

Perhaps You Have Things to Unsay?

Benjamin Zander is the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, author of a wonderful book on living a full life titled The Art of Possibility, and one of the most inspiring speakers in the world today. In the photo above, he is shown in the process of delivering the final address at this year's World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. He closed that presentation by relating a story he was told by a woman who had survived her stay in Auschwitz - the most notorious of the Nazi death camps:

"She said she was brought to Auschwitz when she was fifteen and her brother was eight. On the train that took them there, she saw that her brother had no shoes. She told her brother - 'Why are you so stupid. Can't you keep your things together - for goodness sake' - the way a sister would speak to a brother. Unfortunately, that was the last thing she said to him in her life. Her brother did not survive. Once she came out of Auschwitz, she made a vow and it was: 'I will never again say anything that can't stand as the last thing I will ever say.' "

In J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, there is an encounter between Gandalf and Saruman in which Gandalf says:

"What have you to say that you did not say at our last meeting? Or, perhaps you have things to unsay?"

Conversation:

• What is something you need to say to someone important in your life, but haven't? Will you do it? When?
• What is something you need to "unsay" to someone in your life, but haven't? Will you do it? When?

Afterwords:

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriet Beecher Stowe

"If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?" - Stephen Levine

"You can't do a kindness too soon, for you never know when soon will be too late." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If there's any good thing I can do or any kindness that I can show to any person, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I may not pass this way again." - Traditional Benediction:

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Robert Fulghum, best known for writing a short essay titled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, is one of the very best storytellers in the world.

One of his finest tales involves his distaste of using business cards to introduce ourselves to one another. He thinks they have some utility - title, company, email address, phone number - but don't convey anything important about who we are. Further, he thinks they limit us to talking with each other about our occupations - as if they matter. For example, he doesn't like saying he's a writer. Writing - to him - is merely the product of what he does. What he does is something broader, and it doesn't fit on a 3x2 card.

Robert has butted his head against the wall of this conundrum on more than one occasion. Once on a plane, he decided to keep his business card in his pocket and lie; he told a man in a turban - whom he was certain he didn't want to talk to - that he was a neurosurgeon. Imagine his surprise when he discovered that the man in the turban really was a neurosurgeon. But, the man understood Robert's plight. He, too, was chagrined when - upon introducing himself - people began spouting off about their various neural malfunctions, as if that were all he was.

Another time - on another plane - Fulghum sought out a fellow liar, and without properly introducing themselves to each other, they agreed to lie to one another for the entire flight. The other player introduced himself as a spy. Fulghum said he was a nun. Robert said it was one of the damnedest conversations he ever had: imaginative, informative, and never true for an instant. And, to top it off, an elderly man stood behind Fulghum as they were deplaning, and said, "Have a nice day, sister."

It's easy to see how role-playing ala Sister Robert and Secret Agent Man is an interesting way to pass time in a pressurized cabin at 35,000 feet, but you only have to move a couple of clicks away from center to also see it as a way to ramp up the energy level and get the creative juices flowing in small groups looking to add variety to their meetings.

If your group likes this idea and wants to play with it, here are some things to think about.

• Be specific about what you want to accomplish. Ask: What result do we want to create? This gets you centered on where you want to end up, and not on the particulars of how to get there. A useful analogy is sailing. Good sailors lock into their destination, and then set their course. And, if they get blown off course, they don't try to get back on the original course; they keep their eye on their destination and chart a new course from where they currently are instead.
• Make sure a wide variety of roles are selected. For example, you don't want to end up with two nuns, a priest, three spies, and an FBI agent. Also, avoid typical business roles like accountant, sales rep, etc.
• Stay in character. For example, if a person from marketing is playing a trauma surgeon, she shouldn't simply take her knowledge of marketing and spit it out using doctor-speak. She should assume the knowledge base of a trauma surgeon and deploy it as best she can.
• Assess the results. You can talk about what happened and decide if and when you want to do it again by holding the following conversation at the end of the meeting.

Conversation:

• What was supposed to happen?
• What actually happened?
• What went well, and why?
• What can be improved, and how?

Afterwords: 

"I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane." - Waylon Jennings, from the song I've Always Been Crazy

"You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans." - Tom Robbins

"Behavioral traits such as curiosity about the world, flexibility of response, and playfulness are common to practically all young mammals but are usually rapidly lost with the onset of maturity in all but humans. Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." - Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? We make tools for these kinds of people. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." - Apple Computer, advertisement

Andy Reid and the Redemption of Michael Vick

When Andy Reid, head coach of the NFL's Philadelphia Eagles, announced that he had signed Michael Vick, who had just been released from prison after serving 18 months for running an illegal dog fighting operation in Virginia, to an Eagles' contract, I was both surprised and not surprised. I was surprised that any NFL team would take on the public relations nightmare that surely would ensue; I was not surprised when I heard it was Reid and the Eagles who did it in spite of that. Let me explain further.

In a 1977 Harvard Business Review article - Managers and Leaders: Are They Different? - Abraham Zaleznik, the Konosuke Matsushita Professor of Leadership Emeritus at the Harvard Business School, said that most great leaders are "twice born" individuals who have endured a major event such as a tough childhood, a religious revelation, or a life and death experience (a second birth) that leads to a sense of separateness, or perhaps estrangement from their environment. As a result, they turn inward and after a period of self-reflection emerge with a not only a deepened and stronger sense of self, but also relatively free of dependency on the social structures that surround them. This, I think, is Andy Reid's story.

Reid stepped into a crucible of fire on January 30, 2007 when his two oldest sons, Garrett and Britt, were arrested in separate driving incidents. Garrett, the older of the two, was charged with felony drug possession. Britt was charged with felony drug possession and for illegally carrying and brandishing a hand gun. Both were subsequently convicted of the charges and incarcerated. Reid immediately drew heavy fire from the media and the public, of course, but chose not to respond to any of it. In fact, I'm guessing that if you'd dialed him up on the cell back then, you'd have heard:

"You've reached the voice-mailbox of Andy Reid. I'm sorry I'm not here to take your call. Please leave a message. You can begin speaking at the beep."

And even though the cacophony of advice, recriminations, and demands for a "come to Jesus" meeting with the press grew louder and louder, Reid maintained his silence. He turned inward; it was a time for soul searching.

Andy maintained his separateness for almost a year before he finally agreed to do an interview with Philadelphia Magazine. He was joined by his wife Tammy. The interview is here. If you read it front-to-back, you'll get a real sense of how much - and how fundamentally - he changed during his year of self-reflection or "second birth." Here are a couple of things that stood out for me.

First, when he was asked what he had learned about addiction by participating in Garrett's treatment he said:

"Because of the chemical makeup of the brain, certain people are more susceptible to drug use and addiction than others. You might be able to have knee surgery, take Oxycontin, and you’re fine. Where Garrett might take a quarter of one, his mind gets hold of it, and he’s got to have more. He’s got to have it. You find out that everybody is different. Everybody has their drug of choice, that their mind loves. It’s an epidemic that has attacked America. I was sitting there, in counseling, with good people. They are not bad people, it encompasses everybody."

Second, when he was asked what he had learned about himself he said:

"You put it all out on the table. As a parent, if you can’t do that with them, then there is going to be a wall. And so we both put it out on the table. Every emotion, you go through every emotion you can imagine, you go back to when you were a kid and work to the present, the whole shebango. It was a great experience. I’m not saying it was fun — but it was an unbelievable experience, an emotional roller coaster."

Third, when he was asked to compare the amount of control a coach has over his team with the amount of control a parent has over an addict he said:

"They’re really very similar, though. In a game, once the whistle blows, and you’re playing the game, now the human element is there, and it’s how you’ve trained them. Some days they are going to throw an interception or miss a tackle. You didn’t train them that way. But you live with it, and you keep on teaching them. That’s why we’re here, we’re here to be teachers. And so you do the same thing at home, you teach them and then let them go. You blow the whistle and let them play. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t."

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't point you to the reader comments at the end of each page. See if you can tell the difference between the folks who've walked in the Reid's shoes and those who haven't.

Back to Michael Vick. In describing the press conference in which Reid announced Vick's signing, sportswriter Rich Hoffman of the Philadelphia Daily News said in part:

"The coach acknowledged that Vick has been on his mind for months and years. He said that Vick got into trouble at about the same time his sons got into trouble, and that he followed Vick's story from afar and compared it to what his sons were enduring. It was as open and as human as Reid has ever been at an interview podium, and it was clear that not only was this Reid's decision, first and foremost - but that his personal life opened him to the possibilities.

"At one point Thursday night, he was asked whether he might not have been so open if he had not seen his sons, and the mistakes they made, and what they went through. He said: 'I don't know that. I would hope that I would be, just like I hope the fans would be.'

"A minute later, he added: 'I've kind of lived that process. I've seen change.'"

Did Michael Vick do wrong? Yes, but don't we all? Did he deserve a chance to redeem himself? I say, "Yes." Why? Because I've walked a mile in Andy Reid's shoes, and if it's good enough for Andy, it's good enough for me.

Conversation:

• Would you have given Michael Vick a second chance? Why or why not?
• Have you gone through a "second birth" experience? If so, how were you changed, and how has your life been affected since?
• Has someone given you the opportunity to redeem yourself sometime during your life's journey to date? What happened? Who was involved? How was your life changed? How much did it matter?
  

Afterwords:

"There is not a righteous man on Earth who does what is right and never sins."
- Ecclesiastes 7:20

"Some of the best lessons are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is the wisdom of the future." - Dale Turner

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran

"Every kind of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism." Carl Gustav Jung

"I am not being flippant when I say that all of us suffer from addiction. Nor am I reducing the meaning of addiction. I mean in all truth that the psychological, neurological, and spiritual dynamics of full-fledged addiction are actively at work within every human being. The same processes that are responsible for addiction to alcohol and narcotics are also responsible for addiction to ideas, work, relationships, power, moods, fantasies, and an endless variety of other things. We are all addicts in every sense of the word. Moreover, our addictions are our own worst enemies." - Gerald G. May, Addiction and Grace

"Every form of refuge has its price." - The Eagles, Lyin' Eyes

"And the truth I see is that the Bible is populated with people like you and me. People who are flawed and imperfect. People who have crooked teeth and bad skin. Who have stinky breath and dirty feet. Who don't always know the difference between right and wrong. Who are self-serving and capricious. People caught in the conflict and dichotomy between good and evil, between the sacred and the profane, between beauty and ugliness, and between the bright and the moronic. People who hope - and many believe - that they are made in the very image of God." – Barry Moser

"Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him; then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes it to be. Everyone has it within his power to say, this I am today, that I shall be tomorrow." - Louis L’Amour

Playing the Ball Where It Lies

Bobby Jones is certainly the greatest amateur golfer who ever lived, and a strong argument can be made that he should be recognized as the greatest golfer ever. His climb to that dizzying height began in 1923, when he won his first major championship - the U.S. Open - at Inwood CC, Inwood, NY. It ended in 1930, when he retired after reaching the top of golf's Mt. Everest. He won all four majors that year - accomplishing what has come to be known as golf's Grand Slam - including his last competitive outing, the U.S. Amateur at Merion Cricket Club, Ardmore, PA. In between, he won 11 other majors - 3 U.S. Opens, 3 British Opens, 3 U.S. Amateurs, and 2 British Amateurs - in 18 tries.

Jones accomplished all this while devoting only about a quarter of his time to golf. The rest of it was spent pursuing a law degree, and practicing law once he obtained it. Besides his playing prowess, he is remembered for co-designing and building Augusta National Golf Club and founding The Masters golf tournament.

Among the many things worth knowing about Bobby Jones, there are two I want to point to in particular.

The first involves an incident during the 1925 U.S. Open at Worcester CC, Worcester, MA. During the play of one of the early holes in the final round, his ball dribbled into the rough just off the fairway. As he addressed the ball in preparation to play his next shot, the ball moved imperceptibly. He immediately turned to the nearby tournament officials, and called a penalty on himself. The officials were stunned; they hadn't seen his ball move. They asked if anyone in the gallery had seen it move; no one had. They huddled and decided that since no one had seen the ball move, the final decision was Jones'. Bobby Jones didn't hesitate for one second, and let the penalty stand. He ended up losing the tournament by a single shot. When he was praised for his gesture, Jones replied:

"You might as well praise me for not breaking into banks. There is only one way to play this game."

The second, involves the great tragedy of his life. In 1948, at the age of 46, he contracted syringomyelia, a fluid-filled cavity in his spinal cord causing first pain, then paralysis. He never played golf again, and in due time was relegated to a wheelchair. He died December 18, 1971. He was 69. Shortly before he died, he was asked about his illness. His answer is testament to his deep and abiding wisdom:

"I will tell you privately it's not going to get better, it's going to get worse all the time, but don't fret. Remember, we play the ball where it lies, and now let's not talk about this, ever again."

To play the ball where it lies is the most basic rule of golf. Golfers who play by this rule - accepting and handling both the good and bad breaks that come with the territory - are not only able to leave the 18th green with a score that truly means something, but also with the deep personal satisfaction that can only come from doing what's right - win, lose, or draw. Golfers who ignore it - who cheat to win - not only debase themselves in the eyes of their fellows (word gets around) but in their own eyes as well.

For Bobby Jones playing the ball where it lies was also a basic rule for living a good and noble life, and a true test of character. Do you think he passed?

"For when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name, He writes - not that you won or lost - but how you played the game."- Grantland Rice, sportswriter

Conversation:

• Are you willing to confront the truth of even the worst of the situations you face in your life? Is there a particular lesson you've learned that you can share?
  
• Do you trust someone who cheats at golf - or any other seemingly innocuous activity - to do right when it comes to the more important aspects of life?
  
• How do you play the ball in your work and life?
• What will the One Great Scorer mark against your name?
  

Afterwords:

"The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names." - Chinese Proverb

"The highest reward for a person’s toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it." - John Ruskin

"Fame is something which must be won; honor is something which must not be lost." - Arthur Schopenhauer

"There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens." - Scott Adams, Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel

"When another is shooting, no player should talk, whistle, hum, clink coins, or pass gas." - Willie Nelson, reciting a rule he enforces at the private golf course he built for himself and all his rowdy friends